Parks and Recs Discuss: "What's Your Biggest Workplace Pet Peeve?"

This blog post is part of my series "Alternative Realities: What If TV Characters Were Office Workers?" Enjoy more fictional characters tackling real workplace questions!

Leslie Knope (Deputy Director, Parks Department)

© Parks and Recreation/Universal Television

"My biggest workplace pet peeve? Oh, that's easy. When people don't care about their work or their community! I mean, how can you not be EXCITED about municipal government? Every memo is an opportunity! Every town hall meeting is a chance to connect with citizens! It drives me crazy when coworkers treat our important work like it's some boring obligation. Also, when the vending machine runs out of sugar-free whipped cream for my waffles. And people who don't properly organize their binders—color-coding exists for a reason, people! Oh, and when someone says something negative about Joe Biden. Or Hillary Clinton. Actually, I have a comprehensive list of pet peeves in my 'Workplace Efficiency and Positivity' binder, subsection 4C. Would you like to see it? It's only 47 pages!"

Ron Swanson (Director, Parks Department)

Colleen Hayes/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank

"People. Specifically, people who talk to me. More specifically, people who talk to me about feelings, personal matters, or anything unrelated to the precise task at hand. Most specifically, people who attempt to include me in birthday celebrations, team lunches, or meetings that could have been emails. Government meetings are already a useless gathering of individuals paid by taxpayers to waste time. Adding cake makes it insulting. Other annoyances include vegans, electronic filing systems, skim milk—which is water lying about being milk—and when people hang motivational posters. The only motivation a person needs is the desire to exchange labor for currency to purchase bacon and whiskey."

Tom Haverford (Administrator, Parks Department)

© Parks and Recreation/Universal Television

"Whoa, where do I start? My biggest workplace pet peeve is definitely the tragic lack of style in government offices. Gray filing cabinets? Fluorescent lighting? It's like working inside a sad robot. Also, people who bring basic lunches—your sad sandwich is bringing down office morale, Jerry! And don't get me started on the ancient computers. How am I supposed to update my restaurant review blog, TomHaverfoods.com, on a machine that belongs in the Smithsonian? Plus, the Wi-Fi is so slow I can barely stream my curated K-pop playlists. Oh, and people who don't appreciate my entrepreneur ideas—Entertainment 720 is the future! I hate when coworkers use regular-sized Post-its instead of my custom scented ones. And nobody ever wants to use my custom slang. It's totally dope-tastic-amazeballs!"

April Ludgate (Assistant, Parks Department)

© Parks and Recreation/Universal Television

"Everything. Everyone. Especially people who are happy in the morning. Or afternoon. Or ever. I hate when coworkers try to make small talk about their stupid weekend plans or their gross kids or whatever. I don't care, and pretending to care is exhausting. I hate meetings where we have to 'participate' or 'contribute ideas.' I already have a great idea—let's all go home. Also, people who use the phrase 'team player' should be fed to wolves. And I hate when people touch my stuff, or look at me, or breathe too loudly. The worst is when Leslie makes us do team-building exercises where we have to say nice things about each other. I'd rather bathe in acid. Actually, my real pet peeve is when people think I'm kidding when I say I hate everything. I'm not."

Chris Traeger (City Manager)

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"My BIGGEST workplace pet peeve is LITERALLY... negativity! There is NOTHING worse than colleagues who approach challenges with pessimism rather than opportunity! I also cannot STAND unhealthy break room snacks—donuts are temporary joy followed by a lifetime on your hips, people! And cluttered workspaces? They create cluttered minds! I'm also deeply concerned when coworkers don't maintain proper hydration levels throughout the workday. Did you know dehydration can reduce productivity by LITERALLY 59%? Another thing that troubles me IMMENSELY is when people take the elevator instead of the stairs. Each step is a gift to your cardiovascular system! Oh, and when people cough without covering their mouths—do you know how many microorganisms are being shared? LITERALLY trillions! But I try not to let these things bother me because stress is the silent killer!"