Happy March Madness to all who celebrate! 🏀
It's that magical time of year when people who haven't watched a single dribble of college basketball suddenly become statistical analysts overnight. If you're like me and your basketball knowledge begins and ends with Space Jam (the Michael Jordan version, obviously), fear not! I've developed a foolproof system for selecting your bracket winners that has absolutely nothing to do with "statistics," "rankings," or other such nonsense.
Scientifically Proven* Methods for Bracket Selection
*Not actually scientific or proven in any way
1. Judge the Costumes
Let's be honest—some teams just look better on the court. Does their costume use complementary colors? Is their font choice modern yet timeless? Would I wear this to a non-athletic social event? These are the questions that truly determine athletic excellence.
Remember: The team with the best color coordination clearly has the best team chemistry. It's just science.
2. Team Name Yell-ability
Try shouting each team name in your living room. Which one feels most satisfying? Which one makes your neighbor think you're having more fun? The more syllables and hard consonants, the better the "mouth feel" of a chant.
Bonus points if the name can be easily incorporated into a dance move. "Go Bulldogs" with a shimmy just hits different than "Go Cardinals" with jazz hands.
3. Mascot Survivability
In case of apocalypse, which team's mascot would provide the most protection? A wildcat might seem fierce, but can it open canned food? I think not. A Blue Devil might have supernatural powers, but what about when you need practical skills like fixing a flat tire?
Always go with the mascot that would make the most reliable apocalypse partner. I'm looking at you, Boilermakers.
4. Free Throw Philosophy
Forget free throw percentages. Instead, analyze how players approach the free throw line. Do they bounce the ball exactly three times? Do they have a quirky routine? The more superstitious the routine, the more likely they are to make it to the Final Round Robin (that's what it's called, right?).
5. Regional Food Quality
Which school's hometown has the best local cuisine? The team fueled by superior local delicacies will obviously outperform those from regions known for bland food. If you're choosing between a school from New Orleans and one from somewhere without a signature dish, the choice is clear.
Remember, basketball is 60% food quality, 30% uniform design, and 10% that thing they do with the orange sphere.
6. Coach's Sideline Enthusiasm
Nothing predicts victory like a coach who can properly execute a tantrum. Does the coach throw their clipboard? Do they have a signature move like dramatically removing their jacket? Can they turn at least three different shades of red?
The more theatrical the sideline presence, the higher you should seed them in your House Cup tournament bracket (or whatever it's called).
7. Player Name Creativity
The team with the most creatively named players clearly has the advantage. This is because announcers get more excited saying interesting names, which energizes the players. It's basic audio motivation theory that I just made up.
8. Team's Historical Performance in Your Bracket
Have they consistently let you down in previous years? Have they been the reason your office mate Brad won the pool three years running? Spite is a perfectly valid bracket strategy. The team that betrayed you last year is scientifically guaranteed* to go all the way this year if you don't pick them.
*Based on the universal law of bracket spite, which I'm pretty sure Einstein discovered.
Final Selection Method
After carefully considering all these factors, put each team name on a piece of paper, toss them in your favorite hat, and draw randomly. Because let's be real—this method is just as effective as spending hours researching "triple-doubles" (which I'm pretty sure is a term Michael Jordan invented for a special burger at McDonald's).
Remember, the goal isn't to have the most accurate bracket—it's to have the most entertaining explanations for why your bracket is falling apart by the second three-point field shot (is that what they're called?).
Happy March Madness, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
by Sam Jeet
Sam Jeet is the creator of this site and is still mastering the art of third-person narrative. She enjoys content creation, though she acknowledges her consistency could benefit from improvement.