If The Severed Floor Had a Career Day

If The Severed Floor Had a Career Day

Ever wondered what the employees of Lumon Industries might do if they weren't busy with mysterious data refinement? I asked the severance crew what alternative career paths they might choose if they had to leave Lumon. Their answers might surprise you...

Mark S.

"If I weren't at Lumon? Well, I suppose I'd be a history professor. I have these... feelings that I used to be passionate about history. Something about the Prussian-Franco War keeps coming to mind, though I can't explain why. Teaching would give me purpose, a way to guide others through the past while trying to make sense of my own. Plus, the departmental parties would probably serve better finger foods than those meager waffle parties. Though I'm not sure why I just mentioned waffle parties... strange."

Helly R.

"Literally anything else. Seriously. I'd be a deep-sea diver exploring shipwrecks. Something about being completely submerged in another world feels oddly familiar. I'd be searching for lost treasures and old secrets buried at the bottom of the ocean. The isolation would be intense, but at least I'd know I chose it myself, and I'd have the satisfaction of discovering things hidden from the world. Freedom to explore on my own terms — that's what I'm after. And if I found something valuable down there, I'd never let anyone lock it away in some basement."

Dylan G.

"I'd be a competitive eater. No question. Have you seen how many finger traps I can win? Imagine what I could do with hot dogs! I'd travel the world, breaking records, getting my picture on walls of fame. People would know my name — my whole name, not just some initial. And I'd have trophies that I could actually take home and show my kid. Plus, I'd get to see the world outside these walls. I hear there's an eating competition in Delaware that's legendary. And I'm pretty sure Delaware is real, despite what Milchick says."

Irving B.

"A naval officer would be fitting. There's honor in service, structure in the chain of command. I've always been drawn to the discipline of military life, the clarity it brings. The sea calls to me in ways I don't understand — sometimes I dream of dark corridors filling with black paint... or is it water? The navy would have regulations, protocols, things one could depend on. And perhaps I'd find a certain kind of brotherhood there, connections that feel... significant somehow."

Mr. Milchick

"I find this question somewhat inappropriate for the workplace, but in the interest of team building... I would excel as a wedding DJ. I have impeccable timing, an intuitive sense of what makes people move, and I know how to maintain a cheerful disposition through hours of orchestrated fun. I'm skilled at reading a room and adapting accordingly. Plus, I already have quite the collection of inspirational dance tracks on my personal device. I could pivot from the electric slide to conflict resolution in seconds if needed. The key is maintaining control while creating the illusion of freedom — I mean, creating a good time for all! Now, shall we get back to work?"

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This blog post is part of my tech industry series "Alternative Realities: What If Tech Workers Weren't Tech Workers?" Stay tuned for more fictional characters tackling real industry questions!

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Disclaimer: The structure and editing of this article were assisted by AI. While the experiences, insights, and perspectives are entirely my own, I used AI as a writing tool to help organize my thoughts and refine the presentation. The content reflects my authentic voice and personal journey.